What we really want, may not be what is best for us — Break ups at the time of Covid

All of us may have been wanting something for the longest time. May it be something that we want to achieve ever since we were kids, or a dream job we’ve always wanted, or a nice beautiful car we dreamed of having, or an ideal relationship we wanted to be a part of or on most cases (where we really fight to get what we want), getting back a lost love or an ex.

2020 has been and still very challenging to the whole world and to almost everyone in this planet. Having a lot of people displaced on their jobs, people feeling a lot of anxiety and uncertainty about the future, others have troubles finding a new and consistent source of living to survive is something that is very hard to digest. Now the cherry on top? a break up. I know, it’s CRAZY. It’s going to be one hell of a ride dealing with all these.

I’ve just gone through a break up 2 months ago. It’s still fresh. This sudden heartbreaking news has hit me down to my core just in the middle of a job and financial crisis I’ve (both of us) been experiencing. When “the bomb” of shocking revelation was revealed right in front me by the person who I was planning to get my strength, support and hope from all these chaos, i was shocked. I couldn’t complete what I was about to say only because I really do not know what to say! I felt like my tongue and my lips are drying up already due to my jaw just dropped open with what i heard. No tears came falling down yet as I was in a state of shock. I came to my senses and responded to my ex to work it out. But to my surprise, his responses are giving away already what he really wants — that he is NOT in a state of working it out. Nothing could ever convince him to change his mind.

Fast forward to Day 3 of the officially-we-are -over-day, I was in a stage of grief where anger, shock and in denial stage are interchanging from time to time. It was at those days that I really wanted to fix what I just lost. I barely had sleep, my eyes are half open half shut and swollen like it was stung by a bunch of bees because of crying. All I ever wanted at that time is to have him come back to me. I felt like I still have the power to convince him. Because I feel deep down inside of me that I was so damn broken and that I needed this person to put everything back in its place again and so that all will be okay.

Day 7 — still no signs of my ex. My anxiety grew stronger every single day. Constantly looking at my phone to see if he messaged, memories of us kept on hanging on my head and thise dark clouds never left me for the next few days more.

Day 14 — 2 weeks we’ve broken up and also the start of announcement of government that our city will be placed once again into a lock down. This would mean that I wouldn’t be able to go to work and that also means I will only be receiving like 30% of my salary for that cut off. But none of those things happening affected me and felt like I do not care. I still have this crazy idea in my head that the solution to all these is to get him back and everything will be okay.

Day 20 — at this point, trusted friends have been keeping me company and have been telling me to control myself and that this isn’t the end of the world. I also realized that after 20 days have passed, there is just one thing I was blessed to have done unconsciously up to this day. And that is, I NEVER CONTACTED MY EX. Upon realizing this through my friends, i decided to never break what I have started given that I know it will only bring back all those anxieties and dark clouds i had back at day 1. I started watching videos that talks about moving on. I also started to go boxing to release stress and to create a better version of myself physically to make me feel good about myself. I also started to listen to people. About how they are doing, their problems and it just made me realize and see that there are much more bigger problems other people has compared to what I was going through! Not to invalidate what we are feeling, of course not. But by doing this, it’ll make us open our eyes more to see more of people and the challenges they are facing! I felt like a small amount of negative energy jolted out of my body that somehow woke me up into the real world. The real problems. The ones that really matters.

Day 40 — It’s been a real roller coaster ride of emotions for the last 40 days. But, I was better. Sure, there are times that he will still pop in my head but I know now how to dust it off and just go on with my day. There were days that it was really hard to do it, but there are a lot of days that you will just realize that you dusting of those memories every time it sneaks in in your head in the morning and evening before going to bed, effortless. I continued to do even an in inch better than yesterday all the things happening in my immediate surroundings like my job, my family, me going to the gym, my friends and things that I enjoy doing. And i was surprised with the results because I feel so far from what I was and who I was 40 days before and it felt so good!

Day 48 — CURRENT

I did do a pretty good job in dissecting what happened during the relationship until post break up. And with those nitty-gritty details, i’ve come to realize that I could have wanted to be the one to do the break up. I was too focused on how to make him happy, how to keep him that I turned a blind eye on things that matter the most — YOURSELF.

All the things i’ve done for the last 2 months for myself and the kind of mind set and new perspective I have grown inside of me to see things on a different light was all non-existent in the whole course of our almost 2 years of relationship with my ex. If I was able to do this for myself in just 2 months, imagine the amazing things I could have done have I chosen ME for the past 2 years.

The lesson

If one were to choose between an average you — With your ex — versus the better version of YOU, I will always choose the latter. Yes, it may be the convenient way for us to just go back to our exes and continue to be our average selves because that is how we have cultivated ourselves in the time being and that how we are very much used to it. But, we will never get to see what really is best for us if this break up did not happen and if we do not help ourselves to break through this dark cloud we are experiencing.

CHANGE IS ALWAYS GOOD. we may not be seeing it now, but I promise you, it will be better and better each day. And you know what is the best and the true cherry on top on the layers and foundation we are standing upon? IT’S YOU.

keep on fighting, keep on surviving and do it for yourself. Everything is going to be fine.