Down in to the Rabbit Hole
The HIGHS
Much has been done and much has been experienced in the past 5 months. I cried, I got angry, I questioned life, I got disappointed not to get answers why this happened, I got angry at myself for always ruminating over and over again. But then I got a little bit better, I started to try to figure out what my goal is now. Picking up pieces along the way, trying it on with the other bits and pieces if it fits well until I finally got to make it whole. I prayed on this goal of mine every single night and see if I have any sliver of doubt on it and if it something that I will still want to pursue it even if I sit on it for a few days, weeks and months.
It was still there. My visions on my dreams became bigger and bigger every day while my former “goal”, dreams with an ex has vastly diminished into thin air. “I am better now. I’ve moved on. I’ve set him free. It’s been 5 months and I’m nothing but ecstatic to see that I’ve moved on this quick!” I’d tell myself. This stays true until…
Down you go
Just when I thought that I was free, a sudden rush of feelings came back. Questions of doubt has once again emerged God knows I don’t where.”Maybe the cheesy movie line I’ve watched just triggered it” says my inner thought. But voila! days after and I’m once again stuck in this rabbit hole but this time, with one hand grasping the edge of the hole, fighting for myself not to completely fall down once again. It was a complete struggle. A mind torture as what I’ve put it. Trying to once again open that wound and look for answers which I know I’ll not find. “Why didn’t he stay and fight for what we had? Why it was all of a sudden the world turned upside down and reversed everything you have promised? Why didn’t you let me talk you out of it and work it out with me? and lastly, why did you just abandoned me and did not made any single effort to contact me?” a lot of why’s actually. the whys that was there all along that I avoided for a long time to face.
The helping hand
While I was having one hand grasping at the edge of the rabbit hole, fighting not to fall in to my dark past, a hand suddenly appeared and grabbed my other hand and helped me get out of that scary place. I was sobbing like a kid. I got so scared going back to that dark place where I am alone even though I know I was the one who have put myself into that position in the first place. I suddenly saw the light. A light that made my current life so bright and my future goal’s vision shining much brighter. Flashes of who I am, memories of my current happy self and thoughts of my journey going to my future goal started to streak right before my very eyes. And then I realized that no one helped me get out of that rabbit hole. It was I, through the power of my spirit, was the one who have freed me.
It was you…
We have become a better version of ourselves after a break up and we don’t even realize that. We tend to go back only because we know it’s the easiest access to eternal happiness. Even our definition of happiness is a bias skewed onto other people’s definition of happiness. We have to realize that we have our own definition and measure of being happy and for me, that comes from you.
Don’t ever come back when you know you are already miles away better than your old you. Intrusive thoughts and temptations come as always but the success you’ve achieved for your self is far more more bigger than entertaining minutes of these intrusive thoughts and temptations bugging you. It’ll pass, I promise. And you will be damn great.
